February 26th – March 2nd
This work week has been hard.
I went to the Urgent Care nearest my office. I had been having increasing pain and numbness in my leg and wanted to do the due diligence of seeing a professional. The prime suspect is a cyst behind my knee (oh boy!), but when I was being triaged, my blood pressure was abnormally, and frighteningly high.
I had to go get x-rays taken, but I could feel the blood pulsing in my neck. The more I thought about my BP and the snippets of the conversation with the doctor that involved the word “stroke”, the more I stressed. It was a vicious cycle. Normally, I’d post a silly picture of me in the x-ray room, or a comment about needing to calm down. It was a passive aggressive way to seek comfort from my friends while trying to appear “totally calm and chill about stressful situations”. But I didn’t have it to fall back on. I had to learn to self-soothe.
The doc at Urgent Care said that after my x-rays, she wanted me to take the next three days off. (another huge stressor) I couldn’t possibly take that time off. Not that I didn’t have it available, but would the world fall down around me if I left?
I sat down with my boss, who was completely understanding and encouraging, but even then, I couldn’t allow myself off until Thursday. I decided, against the doctor’s orders and without any pressure from my boss, to only take the afternoon Monday and all day Tuesday off. I couldn’t even allow myself more than a little downtime for my own health.
Tuesday was also technically only a half-day off, as we said goodbye to someone in our community. He was an all-around great guy. His life was not always easy and we didn’t connect as much as we all would have liked, but the world has been a much darker place since then.
Attending his wake was filled with anxiety. There were quite a few reasons, not all just because an open-casket calling hours always seems like an incredibly daunting task. But even so, it was incredibly heartwarming to see so many people from the community come back to see him off onto his next adventure. There were people there I hadn’t seen in decades and it was a happy/sad/bittersweet reunion.
I still wanted to have conversations on FB about it with the folks I wasn’t able to catch up with.
But, Tuesday, I *did* get a long soak in the tub, got some reading done, and was able to do some painting.
The beginnings of three paintings I’m working on.
We had an old friend over Wednesday and we have some great face-time catching up with each other. I decided I need to do it more.
We used to host regular dinners with friends and I want to do it again. I want my home bustling with loved ones and filled with laughter and shared tears.
I need real-life community and connections. This week has proven that.
I’m still a junkie, but I’m starting to see the light .