2/21/18 – Wednesday
I woke up shaken from last night’s dresser debacle. My children and husband are still sleeping as I left for work.
The sky is dark, but there’s a faint pinkish-amber glow to the East. The sun is coming out. The sky is beautiful and I want to take a picture and share with my friends like I usually do whenever there is a beautiful morning. I remember that I’m not on “the network”. I could post to Instagram or Twitter but most of my friends don’t have accounts there.
I went to my therapist and we spoke about this change for me. I felt stupid for feeling like this is a big deal. But there’s a theory called creative adjustment. It has to do with the changes in behavior we make to thrive in the world. And while sometimes it’s small, like drinking a different kind of coffee because the one you like is more expensive. While sometimes, it’s shifting all of your social life so you can keep in touch with the majority of your friends all in the same place.
I’ve spent years shifting my events, calendars, photos, invitations, and motivational art as well as regular updates about my life on the network.
I’m feeling lost right now without it.
And the number of people that are consistently sending me messages on what I’m missing and when I come back I can filter things. But the problem is…I’d be filtering out everything…and then, what’s the point?
My therapist said that it resonates with his clients who are in recovery from drug or alcohol addiction. That I’m trying to break myself of something that had become so ingrained in my social life, that others who likely have addictions will want me to come back because if I’m doing it, that it might make them reexamine their own use.
Later tonight, I found out an old friend suddenly died. There was no warning and there was no preparing.
I wanted to be in the community, to commiserate and be part of the group healing.
I felt sad and had no way to let it out.
I’m still a junkie.